When I moved into my apartment in Chelsea, I knew I found a steal. It was priced way under market value, and everything was just renovated. Finally, I found what every New Yorker only dreams of: the perfect apartment.
When my roommate announced to me that she was moving in with her boyfriend, I knew that I would not have any problem finding a new one. Anyone who would see the place would want to live here. After posting an ad on craigslist looking for a roommate, I was still caught off guard by just how many responses I got. As of 10 minutes ago, the number of emails I received of people showing interest was close to 100. How was I going to weed out the crazies? There is no way I can sit down and meet with 100 people in a weekend (nor would I even want to). So I decided to recruit the help of two of my friends, and have an open house.
dum, Dum, DUM.
I went to one of these open houses last year before I found my current apartment. It was insane. The only way I can describe it would be something similar to the Bachelor. 25 desperate women all vying for the attention of one single person. It was a Gong Show. And now it was my turn to be the center of attention. Fucking sweet.
The night arrives. Already women are showing up early. Like an hour early. Like when I was eating dinner with my friend watching re-runs of Intervention early. The open house hadn't even happened, and already I was getting pissed off.
Finally, 30 minutes before the scheduled time of the open house was to begin, I started to let people up. Women with 4 inch stiletto boots and purses worth more than my life were so excited at the thought of living with me, I think if I told them I wanted to watch them clean the apartment in just a thong, they would have agreed.
Then there were a few girls who were clearly out of my league. And by clearly out of my league, I mean my league was higher. Much, much higher. One bitch walked in and screamed, "so you all are the competition!" Another chick whined to me, "all these other girls are so much prettier than I am!" Get some confidence, woman!
There I was. The center of attention of like 20 girls standing around me. Eyes all glistening and laughing at my jokes. Yes, my jokes that I am fully aware that are not funny. That's how desperate these girls were. Some began to perspire.
Once the open house was over, and I assured every person that I would be in contact with them either way, I began to receive emails that night. Like 15 minutes after some people left. They all said the same thing, "You're great"...blah blah...."love the apartment"...blah blah..."think we would really get along"...blah blah. All I kept on thinking was, is this how guys feel? What is it about I will contact you do you not understand?
I mean, I was seriously turned off by the overly aggressive ones. Like let me chase you. If I want you to be my roommate, I'll make sure I will do everything in my power to make you my roommate. Yesterday, I had one chick send me an unsolicited gmail chat where she gave me an ultimatum. An ultimatum! It was either I had to decide if I wanted her as a roommate at that very moment, or she was going to live somewhere else. While feeling a little weird being put on the spot like that, I told her that I needed a few days. Time to think. This was a very important decision, and I didn't want to rush into anything. She said she understood, but disappointed. She was going to live with the other girl.
10 minutes later, she IMs me again. She tells me she is still interested. In case her apartment falls through, she wants me to still contact her. Whoa, stop right there honey! Are you playing games with me? Is that what that was? Cause it's really ineffective, and you're coming off psychotic. I still have yet to IM her back. You think she'll get the hint?
Then as I narrowed down my decision last night, I realized I had to send out the "rejection" emails. What do I say? It's not you, it's me? You're a crazy psycho bitch who sweats too much? I think you're going to suffocate me with a pillow in my sleep then try on all my clothes as I breath my last breath? I went with the generic response to everyone:
Hi [crazy apartment lady]-In the end, I chose the girl who played a little hard to get, but showed enough interest for me to feel confident enough for me to reach out to her. It's funny, without even discussing it with each other, my friends and I all put her on the top of the list as the best potential roommate for me.
Thanks so much for coming! It was great to meet you. Unfortunately I have decided to go with someone else. Best of luck in your search!
What's the lesson here? Bitches are crazy. Mother fucking crazy. I now realize why guys react the way they do. Granted I don't think they should act like that with me, cause well I'm NORMAL, but I now understand their passive aggressive way of dumping girls. Oh man, do I understand.